Stop People-Pleasing and Get Happy

People-pleasing! So many of us engage in it.

If you have a hard time with boundaries, saying no, fear being labeled as selfish, seek other people's approval, and pick other people over yourself constantly, you are probably a people pleaser so keep listening!

Why are we people-pleasers?

People-pleasing is ingrained at such a young age.

Toddlers look for their parent's approval. We learn easily at a young age that performing (often well) earns praise. Repeating words as a baby elicits applause or a smile from our parents, so we keep doing it perhaps in increasing frequency.

In school, if the teachers liked us, maybe we would get good grades. Again, more fostering of external judgment and approval.

We become conditioned to equate our self-worth with the approval of others. It's no surprise that as adults so highly value the opinions of others.

To take it a step further, we base our self-worth on this-on people-pleasing.

Self-worth, which, if you break down the word…self and worth…if we take that word literally…then it should be based on ourselves….not on others. Sense of self-worth, approval, all of those things that make us feel fulfilled and happy, we must find the answers within ourselves.

Keep this in your mind as we move through this episode.

Clients come to me concerned about what other people think of them; this is common in medicine where people want to have a good reputation as a physician or to be liked by their superiors or administration at the hospital-ultimately trying to garner external approval.

I'm going to tell you right now that engaging in this pattern actually gives away our power. Trying to gain other people's praise only hands our power to them. Basing our self-worth on others is giving our happiness away to what's outside of us.

One client was complaining about her boss who never seemed to be satisfied with this doctor's work and on top of that was inconsistent in her policies, which was unfair.

She wanted to make peace with her boss and have a symbiotic relationship. But the goal of making her boss happy with her was actually majorly out of her hands. Whatever outlook her boss was bringing to the table had everything to do with her boss's narrative, not hers, and would be a certain way regardless of what this talented young physician did.

We often people please as a way to avoid the discomfort of others' disapproval. It can't be uncomfortable when someone disagrees with us, or someone doesn't like us.

I will remind you again that People pleasing will deplete us and take our joy away. We can't control anything outside of us. Don't forget that.

We waste a lot of time worrying about something someone said about us, which was negative. Well-not everyone is going to like us. We know this logically but often get upset when not everyone likes us.

To reassure you, I am going to tell you that the majority of someone's opinion of you is dictated by his or her story, not the quality of person that YOU are.

For example, a South Asian client of mine-her mother in law told her husband she didn't love him bc she didn't cook him hot meals. This is insane, right? But.. that's the mother in laws story. Food = love. Not much to do with her DIL, who, btw with cultural norms, would never be good enough. So the sooner we accept other people's narratives for exactly what they are, the sooner we can find inner peace and move on with our lives!

I'm going to tell a personal story here of my own journey with this. For myriad reasons, I didn't get into an ivy league school, and I probably could have. (that was my pre-coaching, pre-mindset/mind management, beliefs life).

I went to Wash U in St. Louis, which is more than respectable as an undergrad institution. That being said, it went down in history as my failure. Couple that with a bit of teenage angst, getting into trouble with my born Indian parents in India, and I was the black sheep of my family for a while.

I was so insecure about this alleged failure that I wouldn't make decisions by myself… I'd always consult my mother or best friend.

I realized I was a people-pleaser in that I was constantly seeking my parents' approval for everything. Even as an adult, I would want their approval for my parenting choices. But of course, I'm doing things differently, taking the good from them and discarding the bad as I parent.

A few years ago, I found myself wasting energy arguing with my mom, trying to badger her into agreeing with me. And leaving the conversation depleted and unhappy, I realized the solution to this was to realize the answers for what I was supposed to do were in me…not outside of me. I began to adjust my approach

Now, When they don't agree with me. I acknowledge they're entitled to their opinion, and I mine. And what if I can focus on pleasing myself. Does this choice align with who I am? Does this choice empower me?

Asking myself these questions helps me get out of people-pleasing and into my own fulfilled zone.

Don't get me wrong, I still find myself slipping into my people-pleasing ways. But with awareness and practice, I can decrease it immensely

Indian culture promotes success and having a great life on paper, so one can brag at Indian parties about it. Perhaps that's an extreme view, but that was my personal experience of my childhood and accolades or lack them.

Luckily as I grew up and learned to love and trust myself in order to make decisions… (I will talk about self-love in a future episode), but notice I said learn…bc self-love and trust is often not automatic. It has to be learned and practiced.

It wasn't until my 30's that I realized my entire existence had been dedicated to proving myself (another form of people-pleasing) to the world, but also to my family. Once I got into medical school, I could prove I was smart and successful. Once I married the right person on paper, I could prove I made good decisions, and so on and so forth.

But even then, when I was an attending, I said yes to everything 100% of the time. I didn't want to seem difficult. I wanted them to like me and know I was a hard, dedicated worker. And if someone had a problem with me, I took it so personally, I would cry and cry for a whole day about somebody saying one small bad thing about me.

That's really sad. I allowed myself to lose my own happiness to the comment of another. Today-no way…I no longer do that, and I want you to be able to do the same! One of the most difficult things for women is saying NO.

Women are nurturing, accommodating, and not used to putting their own needs first. I first considered saying NO when it didn't suit me after reading a New York Times article on the power of no.

I didn't even consider this concept until I became a full-time working mother.

I found it very difficult to say no to people.

Perhaps it was part of the narrative in my head, but I figured people thought I was difficult when I said no.

When I realized that I couldn't control others' opinions of me, only my own, I felt empowered and liberated.

I am recovering 'yes' person…

I'll never forget my first time saying no…I was on my way home, looking forward to hopping on my Peloton, Really have found exercise to be an endorphin-boosting energizing activity. A senior partner asked me to see admission, and I was one exit away from my home… I decided, after reading any times articles on the power of no… to say no… I felt so guilty…but I did it anyway.

Getting comfortable with the discomfort. This is a key to our sense of peace. And you know what? I didn't regret it.

And I bet he doesn't even remember this!

Practice the power of no. Saying no to self-sacrifice and you will find that With time you start letting go

A few weeks ago, I found my people-pleasing creeping in.

I said ok to a few places at work. I had a coaching retreat that day also. I knew it would be a major cluster. The story recently about work realized I couldn't do it had to say no and get an adjustment

I would have been afraid to say something before, now no more

It's constant practice and work, but it's worth it. I'm so much happier.

I'm going to dive into how to stop people-pleasing and start getting happy!

Acknowledgment.

Acknowledge you're a people pleaser. List out all of the ways in which you find yourself people-pleasing

practice saying and Getting comfortable with saying no. If something makes you uncomfortable, realize it's ok to not participate. Stop explaining yourself because you don't owe the world explanations for your choices or your life.

Practice pleasing yourself.

When you find yourself thinking do they like what I did or do they like me for doing that? Ask yourself if you like you for doing that.

The problem with people-pleasing:

It's outside of us; we have no control.

We sacrifice ourselves, our own happiness for others and are left depleted.

Remember, people's story about you reflects mainly on them; you can't control them.

And making decisions to please them, keep in mind that no one can actually know the right decision for you because they're not in your shoes.

Self-focus and trust- key components of fulfillment, peace, and happiness as well as an antidote to people-pleasing. We look outside of ourselves for approval when we need to focus on approving ourselves.

It's hard. But we are in control.

Instead of focusing on what others think of us, let's focus on ourselves.

And you know what's funny about this? It's often harder to look within and so much easier to look outside of ourselves. So we can shift our perspective and decide to pull inward and look within.

For the answers, for what is right, for fulfilling ourselves, for loving ourselves.

Only then can we truly be at peace.

People-pleasing Lessons:

We have the answers-ALWAYS.

Self-validation is of the utmost importance in self-fulfillment.

Self-focus and love are more helpful than looking outside of ourselves.

Let's keep that on our minds as we acknowledge how people-pleasing gives our power away to other people. Basing our self-worth on others is giving our happiness away to what's outside of us.

Instead, let's turn in and consider getting our own approval.

And being aware of and getting rid of negative self-talk.

The people who know, love, and accept you will, regardless of you "pleasing" them.

Creating ease in our own lives has a ripple effect on those around us.

We must constantly practice.

My Client:

Before coaching: She wanted to move close to family, or so she thought.

After coaching: Laser focusing on what she wanted, she realized she only thought she wanted to move to make her parents happy.

The first step to remedying the practice of people-pleasing is acknowledging you're doing it. Then practice seeking your own approval. Again and again.

How so? By asking yourself:

Does this behavior or decision align with who I am/my values?

Am I in integrity loving myself when I make this choice?

Or what would I do if I cared for myself?

What would I tell a friend to do?

How to eliminate People-pleasing: