Living With an Alcoholic Spouse

If you’ve never had alcoholism in your family and you find out that your spouse has been hiding drinking from you it may be difficult to discern.

The Truth About Alcoholism

Otherwise known as alcohol use disorder, it is a condition in which a person has a desire or physical need to consume alcohol, even though it has a negative impact on their life.

 But more than what alcoholism is I really want to describe what it is like to live with an alcoholic because it’s something only people who have alcoholic family members understand.

 People feel a lot of shame they feel alone because they isolate themselves and they don’t wanna talk about an alcoholic family member or spouse. Even though we know that there are a number of alcoholics on this earth/in this country.

 And yet alcoholism in the family can still be a shameful secret.

 I know the way I was raised was that these things (meaning suicide, eating disorders, addiction/anything mental health) didn’t happen to Indian people

Luckily, our generation has a chance to do better.

 I want to dive into what it looks like to live with an alcoholic.

 An alcoholic’s wife will feel like she’s a single parent.  Somehow he can manage work and that’s about it.  If he’s a less functioning alcoholic maybe he can’t even manage that.  She will find alcohol in a place it shouldn’t be and here is a quick excuse about it.

 Her life seems harder than other people’s and yet she doesn’t know why.

 He might get unhinged or angry for no good reason, or he may pass out early in the evening.  Or, he doesn’t contribute much to the household or participates in chores.

Worst of all, he lies about drinking and makes excuses to leave the house to do so.

The alcoholic may come into the house slurring his words or stumbling. If you ask him if he’s been drinking, he will flat-out say no.  (Playing Sherlock Holmes in his drinking will never serve you…but I will discuss that in next week’s episode on codependence).

 An alcoholic may act strangely early in the morning due to drinking.  They often drink in the middle of the night to quell withdrawal symptoms so if they seem drunk or you know they have a drinking problem, don’t let them drive with your children or be alone with your children.

 They will swear they’re sober and show signs of drunkenness.  If you suspect he’s been drinking he probably has.  Follow your gut.  Don’t engage in an argument with them and don’t accuse them of drinking.  You will never win.  They will double down on their lies.

 Lies and addiction:

Addiction and lying go hand in hand.  It’s pretty hard to have one without the other.  A particularly intelligent addict with be delusional about his drinking problem and often believe his own lies.  That may help soften the blow when you feel betrayed.  A client of mine her husband had been drinking and offered to drive her and her son while she was pregnant and she couldn’t believe he would do that.  However, he probably believed he was ok to drive.

 You can’t trust a thing they say when they are not sober and trust is the anchor of love.  And not drinking is not the same as being sober.  And it isn't your secret to keep.

 Another strange thing that happens can be rough play.  Another client of mine whose husband was an alcoholic before she even knew that.  He used to be rough with her at night.  She would also notice his decompensating as the evening wore on.  When she brought this up to their couples therapist the couples therapist who clearly knew very little about alcoholism suggested that because he was a physician buttoned up performing all day at work, he would unbutton and let loose like a kindergartener.  Make no mistake though that this is a sign something is wrong.

 When things don’t add up and seem strange…that’s because they are.  Often when we are in the thick of a situation we may not want the truth even if we sort of do.  Does that resonate?

 If your partner’s behavior is unpredictable, he or she may have a mental illness, axis I or axis 2 diagnosis or he or she may have an addiction. 

Surreptitiously drinking or using drugs.

 Maybe you’re at a point where you know what is going on…reflect on how you’ve enabled if at all.  Are you constantly rescuing your spouse?  Following him or her around to make sure he or she doesn’t drink? 

Are you afraid to ask about his drinking because it is triggering for him? Or maybe you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and that’s no fun.

 A lot of times you might feel you’re on a rollercoaster ride that won’t stop.  Only you can decide if you want to keep on riding or get off.  It’s your choice.

 I hope I clarified some of the chaos that goes along with living with addiction because it can be so isolating.  If any of this is sounding familiar I want you to know you are not alone.

 Know there are a lot of professional moms out there dealing with the exact same thing.  It’s more common than you think, just secretive.

 In the next two episodes, I will dive in on how you can create a better life experience for yourself in spite of living with active addiction.

 If you want to dive deeper into this work, I have 4 spots opening up for private clients. 

My process helps professional moms with the seemingly perfect life who are silently suffering on the inside to know that they're not alone and that they reclaim their confidence and power to have the life they want even if that feels impossible right now.

 Schedule a call today priancanaikmdcoaching.as.me