How to Quit Guilt re Self-Care

How we were raised or external pressure often shape how we interact with ourselves and others.  Taking care of ourselves seems selfish.  We are taught the golden rule at an early age.  “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”  I think most of us take it a step further and treat others better than we treat ourselves.  Is it possible to be a friend to oneself?

We find ourselves feeling depleted, heavy, overwhelmed, or short-tempered with our kids because we have nothing left to give

Sound familiar?

 I have a dear friend who is an only child.  She always puts her own needs first.  This would irritate me when she would flake on a commitment.  With time, however, I realized that maybe she was the one who had it right.  Putting our own needs in front of others ensures we take good care of ourselves and can help our friends or family at a later time. 

In order to have a positive impact on the world around you, you begin to focus on yourself.  

 Counterintuitive right? 

We are supposed to put the needs of others in front of ourselves.  We are conditioned to treat other people well while treating ourselves poorly.  The culture of medicine feeds into these values also.  Patients often don’t care if it’s 6:45pm and they want to go over their 15 minute allotted time.  Perhaps they expect you’re on a shift and often ignore that you may have a life, a family.  We put them first and ourselves last.  We put our kids, our husband, our parents first and come in last place.

In middle school, I was told I was self-centered and selfish.  This had a profound impact on my perception of myself.  I was always trying to prove myself.  That I was considerate.  That I was thoughtful.  That I could think of others.

In fact, I went overboard with this practice and ended up hurting myself.  Now is the time to undo that.  To be okay with not putting everyone else first all the time to my own detriment.  To actually care for myself first and create boundaries unapologetically in order to have the strength to give to those I care about and deal with any and all adversity that comes my way.

I used to feel guilt about going to get my nails done or working out.  I have since made my peace with that.  However, I still struggle with boundaries.  As I get older, am an adult, and no longer have the luxury of being a child, I understand boundaries.  

If there is a phone call with a family member who cannot manage her own emotions, I may not pick up that second serial dial.  Before, I would have in order to people please.  To put her comfort in front of my own.  But when another person is calling me to argue about Christmas ornaments when I have a ton of patients to see on a call weekend and lives are at stake, I have to keep myself centered and focused-for myself and for my patients.  I ignore the call.  In the past I wouldn’t have done this and now I can.  But guilt seeps and creeps in.  I can count on that.  Coaching has trained me to understand the way my brain works.  I anticipate the guilt and I’m able to make my peace with putting my well-being first.  Unapologetically. 

 I have preached and understood the concept of self-care for a long time.  But I realize it is more complicated than exercising and taking time to talk  to a friend.  It goes deeper than that.  It’s about being uncomfortable in order to soothe yourself and to make things okay for yourself so that you can ultimately be your best self.  Although we have been taught that this concept is selfish, it actually allows us to give a better version of ourselves to those we love.