Unpacking the 'Not Good Enough' Syndrome: A Guide for Ambitious Women

You're listening to the empowering working moms podcast, episode number 91. Welcome. Hello, how are you? I hope you are doing well today. I want to welcome you to today's podcast episode for all of you moms in demanding careers.

You've worked so hard to build this incredible life for yourself. And you probably are wishing that you didn't feel not enough or you feel the mom guilt, or you have impostor syndrome. And you don't want to have to be worrying about the next thing all the time.

And the problem is that most people are putting the needs of others in front of themselves or making decisions based off what other people think. All the hard work that you're doing is based on other people's needs more than your own, you're people pleasing. Or you don't realize that we can't control other people's opinions of ourselves, or what they're thinking. It's simply a waste of time and energy.

So how do you find peace of mind and joy? You can try therapy, yoga, self help books. But the question is, how can you find the right therapist or even get to and from the yoga studio, you probably don't have enough time.

So you can actually cultivate peace of mind with the practices that I talk about because of the ease, and there's just not a whole lot of time and energy required. And when most people think about making changes, they think that it takes a ton of time, or that you have to sit down for hours and hours to meditate to get peace of mind.

Even though with the methods I'm talking about today, you don't have to do that. And you can totally learn to be present, feel peaceful, be connected. Why? Because I have streamlined implementable processes. So if you're wondering how you find peace of mind, balance, presence, let me show you in this episode.

Today, I'm going to talk about the concept of not being enough or good enough. And I will tell you that you are enough, you are good enough. And Type A women, they hold themselves to perfect standards, which is totally impossible and only is going to lead us to being unhappy.

And we're conditioned to do this at such a young age where we are trying to impress our teachers, we're people pleasing when we're really little. We're trying to get 100% on tests or getting straight A's in school. You get a little bit older, it's competitive. You apply to college, then maybe graduate school like medical school.

In fact, I've actually seen that, apparently, I don't know this personally. But I've been told that it is worse to apply to private high schools than it even is college undergrad applications, which is crazy to me. And grades, test scores. That's a great way to get people spots in competitive universities, it's difficult to figure out without quantifying, but honestly, this really has created a society that expects perfection.

And don't get me started on medical malpractice lawsuits. Because physicians are human beings, they're going to make mistakes, and yet they're expected to be perfect all the time.

So some of the things that really contribute to our feelings of not enoughness is the high expectations that we place on ourselves, we're perfectionists. Type A people are just high achieving, competitive, and they set a standard for themselves that really is tough to maintain. And when they're not perfect, this leads to feelings of failure, which really isn't fun.

And women in particular might feel extra pressure to not just succeed in their careers but also meet society's expectations of their personal lives, meaning being married, having kids, doing all the stuff at home, doing the cooking, doing the cleaning.

Even in workplace dynamics, women often face challenges in the workplace as in gender bias, and often are given leadership positions not as soon as men. And these challenges make it harder for women to feel validated in their achievements.

Furthermore, you have internalized gender roles. Even as society evolves, women feel like they need to prioritize caregiving and relationships over personal achievement or maybe that's expected. And this can really lead to internal conflict and feeling inadequate at work.

So this brings me to, if you're always trying to be perfect, then really nothing you ever do is good enough and that feels bad. And the not good enough story and that narrative can be really deep from our childhood, or even other events.

And though others might look at me as a success, for example, so many times in my past I felt less than or not good enough. And I still struggle with that story, I have to keep myself in check, I got to do the work to make sure that I don't play into it all the time. So through working on myself, and really teaching these tools, I don't give that story nearly as much airtime as I used to, but it still comes up.

And I find the not good enough dagger is really stabbing, I get triggered pretty badly. And usually, when I feel triggered, it's a moment to examine what's really going on. And it helps me to figure out my patterns and therefore disrupt them.

And that's really how we start to ditch perpetuating generational trauma, by being aware of our own stories, being aware of our narratives, and making an active decision if we're going to play into them or not.

Because as we learn to not play into the bad narratives, the narratives that hurt us, we help to create a healthier next generation. That's really why we do this work. And I find my clients struggling with the same issues.

And when you have that not good enough story. You transpose it onto your life, and you start believing I am not a good enough of a mother, I am not good enough of a wife, I'm not good enough of a professional, I'm not good enough of a doctor, I'm not good enough of a lawyer, I'm not good enough of a friend, I'm not good enough of a community member, I'm not good enough of a neighbor.

And it is really a terrible lens with which to see yourself. So what do we do with this not enough syndrome? First, we get to see it for what it is, that it's just a story. It's just a narrative, it's just a mode our brain likes to operate under. And then we can get distance from it. When we see it and observe it, we don't have to play into it as much. So we notice it. And then we can neutralize it.

And if you have never heard this from me before, check out my episode on the three N method during which I talk about how to deal with any negative thought or feeling. And so you notice it, you neutralize it, you get your distance from it.

And then actually, the third step is new. You get to create new stories in any given moment, like I am enough, I am good enough, and start to see yourself at your core, like your core self, knowing that you are worthy no matter what, you are lovable no matter what. It's enough.

And asking ourselves, when it comes to not being good enough. What are we doing with our identity? Are we tying our identity to our achievements? Are we tying our identity to our net worth? Are you tying your identity to your career? Or what else might you be tying your identity to that maybe isn't helpful? And if so, we can acknowledge this, that that's our ego.

And really, attaching ourselves to our ego, these external kinds of things, it really only increases our suffering. And though it sounds dramatic, human suffering is universal. And this is a tenant in Buddhism. And it's just good to know because we will often create suffering in our lives without even realizing we're doing it.

So the more we can detach from the not enough story, the more we can detach from these concepts, the more we can really be one with our inner being, our core, our soul, whatever you want to call it, but really get in touch with ourselves beyond our egos. Not the ego of like, I think I'm great. The ego is the part of ourselves that really attach ourselves to external things, external achievements, external validation.

So the more we can detach ourselves from that ego, the more we can heal ourselves. And the more we do that, then we really cultivate inner peace, happiness. And what happens then? Well, we live happily ever after. Sort of, because there's always stuff to deal with.

And that's why it's so important to have these tools in your toolbox to work on, to deal with all of the adversity that will come your way. There are always challenges in life that may come up, right. So as we heal ourselves, we find peace and happiness and then it bleeds on to our kids, our spouses, our friends, our families, creating a happier and healthier family, a happier and healthier next generation, and truly a happier and healthier world.

And that's why putting some thought into this life is so important, not just to decrease our suffering, but really to create a better place in this world and really have a better next generation.

And if you want to dive deeper into this work, please check out my website stresscleansemd.com, and learn more about what I do. And if you are really feeling brave, book a call with me PriancaNaikMDcoaching.as.me to see if we are a good fit to work together.

If you're ready to take that action to step into the best chapter of your life yet, then let's do it. Find out if we're a good fit to work together. Thank you so much for tuning in. And I will talk to you next week.