Managing Difficult Relationships: Proactive Strategies for Working Moms

You're listening to the empowering working moms podcast, episode number 93. Hello there, thank you so much for tuning in today, it is springtime finally. And in the northeast, there's hope in the air, summer is around the corner. And I'm sure so many of you have awesome trips planned or have had spring break trips or are doing summer stuff, all good.

And today's episode was really inspired by the dysfunctional relationships that you probably have. I know there's no way all your relationships are 100% perfect. So I want to talk about why this happens. And I think participating in unhealthy dynamics and relationships is a major thief. And it steals peace of mind. And it steals joy and it's a huge waste of time.

So, the sooner that we can start learning about our lives, and just learning to be aware, and then with that awareness, we can have tools that we use to really create this beautiful life. Because I know so many of you probably are just go, go, go from the minute your alarm goes off, getting out the door, yelling at your kids to get ready on time, brush their teeth, then you feel guilty for yelling.

And then when you're at work, all you're doing is thinking about home stuff and your kids. When you're with your kids you want to be present. But even during their nighttime routine storytime, you're just thinking of your to do list or counting down the minutes until you get a little bit of a break before you go to bed.

And so that's what I call the daily grind dread cycle. And it's such a shame for any of us to be participating in it because we've worked so hard to enjoy this life. And really, the work I do inside my program with clients, really teaches them to undo all of this and really heal from the inside out to create a next healthier and happier generation of children. So that's our kids.

And the work we do really does impact them and have a ripple effect on those around us. And as we model better self talk, better coping skills, showing them how we practice mindfulness, for example. And we take a moment before we lose it and things like that. They see that modeled and they learn to do the same thing, which is amazing.

So this work really isn't so much about us. I do this work, so that we get to be better for our kids than our parents were for us. So let's dive into the topic today. And also, if you want to learn more about this work, don't be shy book a call with me, PriancaNaikMDcoaching.as.me, the link is in the show notes. And we can really dive deeper into what's going on with you, see if we're a good fit to work together.

So in today's episode, I'm going to start by talking about some access to personality disorders, typically, narcissism and borderline because I think that they're very common, and those are really two disorders, and people have those traits, and these traits can be really pervasive in a lot of people.

And in fact, Type A women, perfectionists and high achievers, overachievers often have narcissistic parents. And that narcissism has its positive side because as that parent, they identify with you like you're a part of their identity, and you're perpetuating their sense of self. So they put pressure on you to produce and to do well, and even there are narcissistic cultures, which I really believe that South Asian culture has a lot of narcissistic tendencies.

And I'm gonna get into the actual disorder, so how you can learn and identify it. But yeah, there are cultures that have personality disorder traits and people who have those. And so the reason I'm talking about it today is because someone in your family probably does have major traits or the actual disorders of narcissism and or borderline.

And educating ourselves on this can really help alleviate our own suffering, and bring us peace of mind because we can categorize things. I find categorizing things or putting people in a certain box actually will help me for understanding strange and irrational behaviors, so like why they behave the way they behave when I'm not understanding it.

And remember that when people are behaving irrationally, their behavior rarely has anything to do with you, and really has everything to do with them. But engaging with them is always a waste of time. Because most of the time, they never change, they never grow. So having a real conversation with them isn't really going to go anywhere. And it's simply a waste of time and energy.

And conserving our time and energy is such a crucial part of this work. So that's why I talk about it all the time in so many episodes. Even the concept of creating boundaries, that saves you so much time and energy, like a lot of this work, is to save us that space so that we have the things that really matter.

Now, the relationships with people who have narcissistic tendencies or borderline tendencies really must be managed with strategies and boundaries. I'm going to talk to you about that to give you some tools. So let's start with narcissistic personality disorder, and really go through some criteria that the DSM-5, which is a manual used by psychiatrists and physicians and clinicians to diagnose mental disorders.

And I'm going to abbreviate NPD, narcissistic personality disorder. It is really characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, feeling full of yourself, needing admiration all the time, and really lacking empathy for others, being really self absorbed, really self centered.

So someone who's really preoccupied with themselves, their achievements, their image. They may seem overly confident, but this actually really masks a deeper vulnerability to criticism, like they're really sensitive, because they have a poor sense of self, they usually have poor self esteem, but that's really, really hidden deep inside.

And men like this are actually very charming. And they will suck you in with grandiose gestures in the beginning of dating and can really charm and knock your socks off. So beware of that if you're a single woman dating, if it's too much too soon and too fast, it probably is, and they probably have these kinds of narcissistic tendencies.

So key criteria for NPD includes a grandiose sense of self importance, preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success and unlimited power, brilliance, beauty. A belief that one is special, unique, better than other people, needing excessive admiration, having entitlement, like unrealistic expectations of people, especially favorable treatment, or automatic compliance with their expectations.

Usually taking advantage of others or manipulating other people to serve themselves, lacking empathy, really being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others, envy of others, or even thinking that others envy them, kind of a haughty attitude. So these are the main traits.

Now I'm going to define and explain borderline personality disorder which I'll call BPD, which is really marked by intense emotional turmoil and unstable relationships. So these kinds of people, they're moody, they have rapid mood swings, they have major fear of abandonment and difficulty with self image, but it's not that obvious.

In fact, there's a book that's called "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" which is the book for dealing with people with borderline personality sorter. So think about, I hate you, but I don't want you to leave me. So if you're ever wondering what it means just go back to that line because it really does sum it up.

So they really want to avoid abandonment, either real or imagined. They have a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized alternating between extremes of idealization, but also devaluation.

They have an unstable self image or sense of self, they're impulsive and at least a couple of areas of self damage or self harm, which would be spending too much, over sexing, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, things like that.

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self mutilating behavior, instability due to marked reactivity of their moods. So they get really angry over not much. They have feelings of emptiness, they have inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling their anger. So they're often angry, they're often raging. They also have transient stress related paranoid ideation. So like they're paranoid.

And by thinking about this, it will help you when you have an idea of what these two things are, and you can always Google it, or you can look at the show notes here, and you can go through that list and it can help you to think, hmm, does this person have these traits? Okay, maybe they have these traits. So then I don't have to really engage so deeply in this.

Like it's kind of a last cause to engage with a narcissist or like to try and have true intimacy with them. Or even borderline, they're so turbulent and they don't really improve with time. So you're better off just acknowledging and then deciding what kind of engagement you want to have with them.

So I'm going to give you some strategies to navigate these relationships with people who have borderline tendencies or narcissistic personality sorter tendencies. And remember, some people have the full blown disorder, which means they have got the majority of the list I listed out earlier in the episode, or they might just have tendencies. And that's fine, like, no one's all good or all bad.

But these disorders, I forgot to mention, really are thought to be more nurture the nature and they develop through childhood trauma. And once the brain is affected by that childhood trauma, often these personality disorders ensue.

And it can be really confusing because these people often do really well in their careers, they do really well at work. And then at home maybe, or with their family or with super, super close friends, they act completely different. So it can be really confusing. And you may be surrounded by this, and then think to yourself, hmm, I'm the crazy one.

But the truth is that once you can start recognizing the attributes that I talked about in this episode, you can start getting some distance and empowering yourself to decide how you want to operate with those sorts of people.

So number one is to really set boundaries and decide for yourself, like what is acceptable for you, and what isn't. So if you have someone who, let's say is in your family, and they throw tantrums, or they make you uncomfortable, you could, let's say go to a family holiday. And then you don't have to tell them your boundary.

But in your mind, you could say okay, well, if they have a tantrum, I will go to my room, or if they have a tantrum, I will leave early, like I'm not going to stay. And that way you have your safety mechanism for yourself amidst any chaos.

Another strategy is really to maintain your own mental health and take care of yourself, get good sleep, really make sure that you're in not your worst self when dealing with these kinds of people. Meaning that you're not exhausted, that you're not depleted. And you can actually be in an okay position to manage the nonsense maybe that they will throw your way.

Developing friends that you choose that are really healthy and wonderful and supportive that you can turn to that can validate some of these things that when maybe somebody in your family acts strangely, you can call a friend, and they can validate for you that yeah, that is really ridiculous.

As opposed to when you're in your family, especially your parents, your siblings, it's really hard to see straight because you've been with them for so long, you're in certain patterns with them of your own. And so sometimes it's really helpful just to have an outside resource. And that could be a friend, that could be a therapist, that could be a coach, but it's always useful to have another set of eyes and ears on things.

And really educating yourself and understanding these disorders so that you can really give yourself some grace and understand what is happening. And focusing on what you can control which is yourself, and how much time and energy you want to engage with certain people, especially with your family it can always be tricky, just figuring out physical distance. Or maybe instead of staying at your mom and dad's house for 10 days, you stay for three days, things like that.

Learning how to de escalate things like lowering your voice or walking away or just not engaging in war with these people, with sparring with them because it's just a waste of time. And really learning to be your own support system so you're not turning to these kinds of people who really can't give you what you're looking for.

And another strategy I'll give you is called gray rocking which is a strategy that's used to interact with people who have personality disorders or manipulative or abusive, like narcissistic and borderline. And gray rock really suggest becoming uninteresting, unresponsive, like a dull gray rock. This is to avoid giving the manipulative person any emotional response or engagement.

So especially narcissists, if you don't respond, you don't react, you're not giving them a big emotion, they're not satisfied. So there's like not a whole lot they can do. And gray rocking is when you make yourself really emotionally nonreactive, make yourself really boring, you offer minimal responses, you withhold any engaging reactions or emotions that the manipulative person could use against you or to fuel their behavior.

And the goal is really to make the manipulator lose interest in you because they're not going to get the emotional response that they seek. And this is really effective with people who thrive on creating drama, or they really want to elicit a strong emotional response from other people.

It's also recommended for dealing with anyone who has narcissistic traits. And it's good in situations where engaging in a normal way just doesn't help and it's a good kind of last resort.

So, how you go about doing this really minimal responses, providing one word answers or non committal responses, like hmm, I see, or okay. Avoid giving detailed answers or showing emotional reactions. Neutral topics like mundane neutral things, like the weather, TV, routine tasks. Avoid sharing personal information, don't overshare and don't share personal information, feelings, thoughts, or anything really about you to give them ammo against you.

And really being nonreactive in your demeanor. So really controlling your body language, your voice, being monotone and avoid showing signs of agitation or distress. And really disengage like excusing yourself from interactions if you feel like things are escalating or you're uncomfortable, and consistency with using this method so that they realize that they really can't get you to engage at all.

So this is kind of a weird one, I don't really do gray rocking so much. I'm pretty big on boundaries and expectations like adjusting, which is actually another tool, I will mention, adjusting your expectations of people who have these characteristics, realizing that they're not going to be able to provide for you in the way that you want that they're not going to be able to have true intimacy and really support you.

So adjusting that expectation and making peace with that, I think is the first step and then seeing how much you want to engage with them. And it's always tough with family because I know many of us like we don't want to cut off our family members. So just figuring out how to operate and navigate within this scenario.

But with gray rocking, it's really good with super manipulative and abusive people. But it's good to run it by a therapist or a coach and just get somebody else's opinion on it, because it is kind of an extreme way of responding. And definitely not my first choice, I would say it's kind of a last ditch resort. And if you find like gray rocking is causing you distress, then just don't use that. But I'm just giving it to you as an option today.

So that's it. Those are the personality disorders and traits and solutions and tools you can use. And I really hope that you take note of this episode, and maybe even make some notes on your notes app in your phone that you could go back to.

And you'll find it comforting when you can identify these traits and people who are close to you and act accordingly to protect your mental space, time and energy.

And as you do that, you're gonna find you're gonna have more peace of mind, more energy, and really enjoy this life and not get sucked into drama, not get sucked into other people's unhappiness. Because you've worked so hard to build this life and you want to be creating a happier and healthier life for your kids.

Because these personality disorders, they're not healthy for our kids either, even to over expose them to our family members who act like this, right? So we don't want to engage in this. We don't want to model it.

And this is how we do this work and get healthier for them so that they get to be even healthier than we are when they grow up. And so that concludes today's episode. Thank you so much for tuning in and I will talk to you next week.