Learn How to Stop People Pleasing: What Others Think Above All Else-NO MORE!

“Mommy mommy, I can spell bus.  B-U-S…bus!” exclaims my 2 year old son as he impatiently awaits my praise.  Children inherently look for their parents’ approval.  As we grow up, we often continue that pattern in addition to seeking external validation.  Basing our own self-worth on other people can set us up for perpetual dissatisfaction, a feeling we don’t aspire to have.  

Indian culture places major emphasis on resumes and outside eyes peering in.  It’s pathologic-well, not entirely.  There are advantages to this pressure to “do well” in life.  That is why you will often see so many successful Indian doctors.  Their parents push them to do that.  And I don’t think the kids are complaining!  They are grateful for the push and direction-as am I.  However, there is a down side to this standard.

In addition to sparklers and fireworks, Diwali parties are swarming with questions of “what do you want to be when you grow up” and “where do you go to college.”  Why do people care?  I am not sure.  Perhaps because that is what their aunties and uncles did to them and they just mindlessly repeat these behaviors?  As an adult, what other people and their children are doing plays little importance in my life.  With conscious effort, I am in the process of gradually liberating myself from that cultural norm.

When I did not get into an ivy league school, I would fear the return of my parents from an Indian party.  My mother would berate me after being subjected to various acquaintances brag about their kids going to Harvard, the ultimate ivy league institution.  The family name K-n---kars is still ringing in my ears because both of their daughters went to Harvard.  Let me add that I don’t remember what these people look like or anything else about them for that matter.  I couldn’t pick them out of a line up.  That’s for sure.  Yet their names and college of choice are indelibly burned into my memory. 

Upon reflection, what other people thought and the shame I might bring upon my family played a starring role in our lives.  I have to fight hard to keep what have finally become extras from metamorphosing into more important characters.  Things have certainly changed since I was a child.  My parents have adapted to American culture and shifted their priorities.  However, I still find myself placing value on others’ opinions of my choices.  When I do this, I give my mind a shake to bring me back to my core and evaluate my goals.  When life comes to an end, what people think of us-will that really matter?  Or will we want to die knowing we lived a life true to ourselves?

 Sometimes it takes a major life event to force us to examine our values.  Otherwise, many of us find ourselves living on cruise control, coasting through life.  I will admit I was floating through my life in many respects.  I was doing well at work, being a physician, earning a decent income, and valued in my practice.  I had flexibility at my job, which made life enjoyable.  Nevertheless, something was missing.  I knew I needed to pursue life outside of medicine more.  I began a program for my life coaching degree, which was a start.  Beyond that, I did not know much.  

 Then, an opportunity slapped me in the face when my husband changed jobs and we had to leave the area.  I had a choice.  I could continue to practice medicine full time and feel stagnant in my coaching career or I could be bold.  I could choose to be firm about working part time and pursue coaching and that is what I did.  I did, however, need that imposed change before making this major decision.

To pursue a career outside of medicine when I had studied so long and hard to become a physician was crazy.  Thinking outside the box and pursuing dreams is not a very Indian concept.  I had to dig deep and assess my priorities regardless of others’ opinions.  I knew what I had to do-life coaching.  I started building my client base and felt so alive, finally positively affecting the world in the exact way I wanted to.

 I can still feel those old set of eyes-belonging to aunties and uncles, my peers, and me-judging my life.  It’s a constant effort, but I have to remind myself of my own wants, needs, and happiness.  Answering questions about my life to acquaintances is a tertiary-not even secondary matter.  I am finally taking stock of what matters, my day-to-day fulfillment, and living my life accordingly.  It’s a pretty simple practice, but by no means easy, and feels right.  Better late than never.