How to Make More Time with Your Kids
Episode #34: How to Make More Time with Your Kids
As a working mom, do you constantly feel guilty about not being able to spend more time with your kids? Mom guilt is a perennial feeling within every mom, and one thing that adds to it is the issue of not being able to spend more time with kids. In this episode of Empowering Women's Podcast Real Talk with Dr. Prianca Naik, she shares that according to a longitudinal study of parent time, published in April 2015 in the Journal of Marriage and Family, the amount of time parents spend with their kids has minimal bearing on how children turn out. In addition, other data states that today's mothers spend as much time or more than the stay-at-home moms of the 1960s. So today's moms are setting unrealistic expectations and putting a ton of pressure on themselves. Thus, Dr. Prianca advises every mom to focus on quality over quantity which can be achieved with practice and intentionality. She also shares practical ways to obtain this. So if you want to learn more, tune in to this episode and enjoy!
In this episode, you will learn:
Focusing on quality over quantity
Ways that can help moms connect with their children
Establishing rituals and being consistent with it
Anchor points- taking a moment to hug them and breathe and be present
Being mindful of connection points as they come up
Making time for their events
Spending time with children on holidays
Looking back to one's childhood and demonstrating and propagating the times that one's parents were present, and making up for where they were lacking.
Creating special time and how it works
Providing a safe space for grace and forgiveness
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[FULL TRANSCRIPTION BELOW]
You are listening to the empowering working moms podcast. Real talk with Dr. Priyanka Naik, a show to help professional moms in survival mode to take hold of their lives and thrive. If you're ready to take powerful action to create your best life, then this is the show for you. I'm your host, Dr. Priyanka Nayak, board-certified internal medicine physician and certified life coach. Now let's get to it and dive in. You are listening to the empowering working moms podcast episode number 34.
Well, hello there listeners, I am so glad that you're tuning in. I feel like my voice sounds like I have a cold but I don't know. I think that's the side effect of having two small children in school there's always some virus kind of lurking in the background. So excuse my voice if you find it unpleasant, but I'm doing the best I can. So here we go. Before we dive in, I want to let you know that enrollment is open for my one-on-one coaching program. I work with professional moms who are mentally exhausted, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. And you can relate. They're in survival mode, but they want to enjoy the life that they've worked so hard to build. And I help them do that. I have four spots opening up in the month of December. So book a call with me, Priyanka, Nayak, MD coaching.as.me, and apply to work with me, I would love to talk to you and get to know what's going on with you. And we can talk about how I can help you. The link is in the show notes. Now let's dive in.
A common issue that clients come to me with is not spending enough time with their children. And as you can imagine, this adds to the ever-present mom guilt that we all deal with. And of course, this adds to a lack of satisfaction, peace, and fulfillment, I often encourage them to focus on quality over quantity. And this is something that we can do with a little bit of practice and intention. The amount of time that parents spend with their kids actually has very little bearing on how children turn out, according to a longitudinal study of parent time, published in April 2015, in the Journal of marriage and family. Other data that's pretty interesting is that today's mothers spent as much time or more than the stay-at-home moms of the 1960s. So we're truly setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations and putting a ton of pressure on ourselves. So we can never control our kid's perception of how we parent or how we show up. But we can shift our effort to make our time more meaningful with them. Let me tell you this too. It is okay to not like small children's activities. I'm not a really big fan of coloring or playing with Legos or magnet tiles. It's just not my jam. And I know that's okay. I always think that because I'm so big on mindfulness and talking about thoughts, feelings, the coaching staff, mindset stuff, I think I'll be particularly useful in, you know, the double digits, adolescence, and definitely when my kids are adults.
Right now I like to read and I also like to teach, if my son is open to it, I did grow up in a household where my mom or Well, Santa would give us stocking stuffers of flashcards with the states and capitals that happened in the first grade. So I knew all my states and capitals by the time I turned seven or eight, I think, of course, I've forgotten them since then. But my mom would basically have me memorize a certain amount every day. And then when she came home, she would quiz me and if I was lucky, she'd forget to, you know, make good on that quiz. But that's, I think, because I grew up that way I do kind of enjoy teaching and going over stuff. And of course, life coaching involves teaching as well. So that's my area to shine. So that being said, I don't guilt myself for not wanting to get in there with the magnet tiles, the play dough, and all that stuff. So there are several ways that we can really increase our quality more than our quantity and that is more meaningful and makes a meaningful impact on our children's lives. And with it some a little bit of intention and planning. We can also relieve ourselves of the guilt that we're not spending enough time.
So here are some ways rituals are really important. One way to connect with our children. This can be anything from giving them a hug when they wake up, snuggling with them, either in the morning or the evening, having them help you make your morning coffee, or helping them make their bed. It's just consistent stuff that happens pretty much every day. You can also do what I do, I like to ask a set of questions after school, I pick up my son, he gets in the car. And in the car, I will ask him, He's four years old. So How was your day doesn't really work? So I will say, what was something that made you smile today? What was something that made you frown today? What is one thing that you're proud of today that you did? What is one thing that you learned? He doesn't always answer these questions, but he knows that I'm engaging with him. And I will ask him questions. So that goes on for maybe five minutes. And then I turned to music on but I have made that connection because that's our reunion time. And when I pick him up, I give him a big hug and a kiss when I get them from school. So that's also how I connect with him. We also practice gratitude practice every single evening before I put them to bed. So our ritual consists of reading a couple of stories. And then once the stories are done, I put them into bed. And we both say something that we're grateful for. You could also have holiday rituals.
Another practice that's important in increasing quality that goes along with this is really putting the phone away. So for bedtime, I bought a clock because I no longer wanted to use my phone as a timer, slash knowing the time. And it's really important, I put my phone away while I'm reading stories with them unless I happen to be on call, and I have to take phone calls for work, the phone is away in my room so that I can give them my attention. And if we put our phones away, we're not distracted for that specific time with our children, and we're truly connecting with them. So that's another important thing to do. And really think about, if you don't need your phone for work, are you able to put it away for a certain period of time, because after your kids go to sleep, you can have your reunion with your phone. You can also participate in coloring or arts and crafts with small children. But when you do this, if you're not if that's not your thing, and you're not enjoying it, you could do that, let's say for a limited amount of time. Let's say one day on the weekend or two days of the weekend, you could do it but really just having it be short periods of time.
Another way to have that quality is to have anchor points in your day. So you know, when you say bye to your kids, you really take a moment to hug them and breathe and really be present. And if you notice that your mind is wandering to the to do list because I feel like that's where my mind always goes, you center yourself back and you breathe and you connect and you really take in that hug. Similarly with when you pick them up, do the same thing as I mentioned, but really being mindful of the anchor points of the day. When you're with your kids, those short periods of time, those short amount of time where you can connect, really be present for those and make the most of it that way. You're not you no fussing over like the specific amount of time because we all know that as working moms. We are wearing a million hats we've got so much on our plate the to do list is unending. As I'm saying this, I'm just like, Yeah, this is so overwhelming, right? But with all that going on, we just have to give ourselves grace and do the best we can to truly be mindful and present for specific moments with our children. We can also be grateful for our children and practice gratitude in the sense that we can make our feelings known to them. Don't be shy about how you feel about your kids. Let them know how much you love them how you love them unconditionally, and that they mean so much to you, right? Because what's better than that for them to grow up knowing that love and then of course, this is probably for another episode. But if we demonstrate our unconditional love for them, then they themselves can love themselves unconditionally. And that is such a tenet of a peaceful, wonderful, fulfilling life. And I do actually teach self love in my coaching program as a part of my self empowerment module. If you haven't already, check out episode 11 during which I discussed practicing self love for inner peace.
Another thing you can do to increase your quality over quantity is when your children try to connect with you, if they're talking to you make some time for them. Now, that's not to say that you should drop everything all the time every, every time your kid needs something. But if it's not a good time, you can say, hey, let me finish this email, and I will be right with you, or I will be with you in a half hour and then really be present and listen to them hold space for them. When they're having difficult emotion. Let's say this is especially true for toddlers, when my toddler is having a tantrum, I do my best not to get sucked into, you know, the triggering anxiety I might feel when he's crying and screaming and I say, Hey, I know you're angry, I'm here. And this is a way that we can really be present with him and for them. And really be mindful of these connection points as they come up. During the day, if you really start paying attention, you're going to find more moments during which you can connect. So just pay attention. Also, try looking back on your childhood, this is a great exercise to really see what we remember. What do you remember that your parents were there for? Where were they present? And how did it mean a lot to you? Or, conversely? Where were they when or where were they absent? And maybe it upset you? How can you show up in that way for your own children.
Basically demonstrating and propagating the good all the times that your parents were present, and then maybe making up for where they were lacking. And really being intentional about being present for those moments. Also making time for their events, be it concerts, or dance performances, or sports, or anything else really, or if they ask you to come trying to make time to do it. Now, I want to add though, if you can't make time, or it's super overwhelming, or making time is causing you more grief than really helping, it's okay to forgive yourself. You can't be there 100% For everything, and that is okay. It's okay to have a career. It is okay sometimes to prioritize yourself for your own sanity. Or, for the doctors out there. It's really hard to reschedule patients, right if you're in clinic. And if there's a last minute event, it might be really difficult for you to shuffle things around to shuffle patients around and that's okay. Please give yourself permission to be human. Forgive yourself and give yourself grace, you are doing the best you can. And that truly is enough. And when it comes to mom guilt, and working, just remember that you are setting a fantastic example of a diligent, hard working mom who manages so much. I will give a shout out to my mom in this episode, because she worked her tail off she was in private practice. She's an internist. And she sets such an incredible example for me of hard work and giving her job her all but also really doing her best to be present for my sister and me and be a good mom and seeing that hard work growing up really inspires me today to work so hard in my profession, be it in seeing patients or serving my clients. And I'm so grateful for that. So for those of you who had stay at home moms and you're, you know, feeling guilty about working and wishing you spent more time here's a perspective from a kid who whose mom had a serious career. Another suggestion I have is if you have a little bit of some vacation days to play around with or you've got some flexibility and you can take time off. I highly encourage you to spend time with your kids on their holidays. The ones like Martin Luther King Day or Veterans Day and take special time with them to do an activity and really connect I try my best to not be working and be present with my older one. On those days. We'll do something as simple as going to the dollar store picking up a bunch of arts and crafts or going to Michael's we both love going out to eat so he and I had a special little brunch together where he got to eat pancakes and chocolate and he was having us While time, so that is something that you can do, which is a little bit more time intensive, but maybe something that, hopefully I'm hoping my own kid will look back on and remember, but either way, I know I'm doing the best I can. Now I want to touch upon something called special time. And this is a ritual that psychologists have studied. And they definitely purport helps with having a positive impact and a greater connection with our children. Special time is basically five to 10 minutes per day, I five minutes is enough. So you can set a timer for five minutes, you do a special activity with your kid, you can create a bin with activities that only are done for special time. So I actually have some paints and crayons and little activities in a bin from a lot of it's from the dollar store. Again, I'm plugging Family Dollar, the Dollar Tree, and they sit in my room so that my son can't play with them. Otherwise, they're only for special time. Set a timer. Try and do five minutes a day or as many days as you can. It's not always possible. I know. And no questions, no instructions, no criticism, really, you only have to do five minutes. And there's an acronym that goes along with this. It's called pride. So praise. So you say hey, you know I love doing this special time with you or you're doing such a great job coloring, reflect eco, slash imitate, so you do what he or she is doing. So I'm going to color just like your coloring. Describe, oh, we're getting our crayons, and we're coloring now. And E is express enthusiasm. Wow, this is really fun. I love our special time together, truly go through these steps. They're mechanical. But I know my son, he will ask for a special time or he really looks forward to it. And this is yet another way where I'm building the connection in a shorter amount of time. And there's not a ton of time lost and he feels that impact. Try any some or all of the tactics I've discussed today to truly increase that quality and connection, the presence with your children it will make a huge difference. You're going to be feeling better, I promise. And I truly believe I don't have a crystal ball but I think that these kids are going to reflect upon our efforts and remember that quality over the quantity of course because time we know it's really tough when you're a working mom. So try any and all of them let me know how it goes. Feel free to find me on Instagram Priyanka nyac. MD coaching, send me a DM let me know how these tactics work for you. And I also want to let you know that enrollment is open for my one on one coaching program. I work with professional moms the seemingly perfect life who are truly mentally exhausted and in survival mode to enjoy the lives that they work so hard to build because they deserve it. I've got four spots open in the month of December. So book a call with me Priyanka Nayak MD coaching that as.me link in the show notes and I will talk to you next week. Thank you for listening to this episode of the empowering working moms podcast real talk with Dr. Priyanka Nyan. If you are ready to get unstuck and out of survival mode to live your best life, I want to invite you to book a free 30 minute consultation call with me. To get started visit Priyanka knife MD coaching that as.me link in the show notes