How to Deal With a Narcissist: Understanding and Tips

Episode #16: How to Deal With a Narcissist: Understanding and Tips

In this episode, you'll learn the signs of narcissism and how to deal with it.

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[FULL TRANSCRIPTION]

Chaos at home? How to deal with a narcissist.

Narcissists

Signs of:

Life/the world revolves around them-their perspectives their feelings

Sense of entitlement

Need excessive admiration

Arrogant

Lack empathy for others

In your parents—often you are an extension of them…this is not a fact.  We are separate people from our parents and children

A childhood focus on competition and success often breeds narcissism

Genetic

lack of psychological and emotional attachment to a parental figure can result in the child's perception of themselves as unimportant and unconnected to other people, 

trauma, unpredictable or unreliable parental caregiving

excessive praise criticism

The purpose of this episode is to help give you the distance from anyone narcissistic or who is a narcissist in your life.

Narcissists often manipulate, gaslight, and blame-shift.

When you’re deep in the web of this, it is hard to see clearly.

By learning about narcissism, and its tactics, you can start to gain distance and not get sucked into the toxicity.  Narcissists will often make you feel like YOU are crazy…when they often have a skewed sense of reality-one they have created and believe.

Let’s go over the terms next now that we’ve discussed narcissistic characteristics.

Manipulation.  I think we are all familiar with this term.  : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means, especially to one's own advantage

So a narcissist may drop certain statements to elicit a response from you.  The more aware you are, the more you can combat this.  Awareness is key in the process of creating peace in your life.

Once you are aware, you won’t get sucked in.  Keep practicing.  It takes time.  There is a pull sometimes, to participate in dysfunction, but we must acknowledge that pull and keep ourselves standing straight and high.

Gaslighting.  Narcissists are really good at this.   As are addicts.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in the victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

For example, in an argument, you may have told the person who is gaslighting you something the other day.  They will flat out tell you you never told them that to maintain their power in the argument.  Knowing this, you can decide not to fight back and waste energy on proving your point.  Most narcissists aren’t interested in getting help and aren’t going to change.  Realizing this is empowering because you can then decide how you are going to handle him or her.  Not engage in fights, not try to prove a point.  Realize you’re getting gaslit, that you’re not crazy.   

Once you have your awareness heightened, you can decide not to participate as much.  Now, remember, this will probably drive the narcissist crazy and he or she will try to perturb you and get a rise on you even more.  He probably knows how to push your buttons and will do it.  

It’s up to you to decide how you want to handle it.  To not get involved, to walk away, to participate which is not a good idea, or to perhaps cut this person out of your life if possible.

Similarly, addicts gaslight about using.  Alcoholics will hide alcohol or be visibly drunk and deny drinking to the point where you may question your own instincts.  Remember to trust your gut and not to let him shake you.  And dissociate, create space between you and them and their disease.

Now to address the topic of blame-shifting.  Narcissists tend to be blameless.  Nothing is ever their fault, but instead, it’s the people and circumstances around them that are at fault.  This happens in addiction as well.  For example, alcoholics will blame their drinking on a trigger.  Ie. Flying on airplanes is anxiety-inducing for me and that’s why I drank.  Well, you drank because you chose to drink.  The flying is an excuse.  

A narcissist will have a responsibility of some sort.  They don’t follow through and will blame you that you didn’t explain properly or for some other reason.  You’re to blame in the end.  They may say this outright or in a more circuitous way.  So instead of taking the blame and feeling bad about yourself, you can see it for what it is.  When we see clearly and are aware, we can be present with that, notice it, neutralize it, and then decide what we are going to do, then take action.  This is my model of dealing with any and all tense situations.

Write this down and try it.

Once we are aware of blame-shifting, we can neutralize it and take its power over us away.  Then we are empowered.  See how this works?

This way of life allows us to break the cycle maybe unhealthy cycles we have engaged in and pave a new path.  Distance ourselves from getting sucked into old unhealthy patterns.  This is how we create peace and freedom and build confidence.

Sometimes we end up in a place in life where we think to ourselves…how did I get here?  You did have something to do with it.  But I don’t want you to take on a blaming attitude towards yourself.  It’s an awareness of owning how we got where we are today.  Think about your childhood, were your core needs met? Did you feel loved unconditionally?  A client of mine realized that her mother was a narcissist.  Growing up in that atmosphere is very unhealthy.  She never felt good enough.  Everything was always her fault.  Her mother would stop talking to her for months at a time in her 20s for silly reasons like “being disrespectful” all power plays she now realizes.  She also realizes how unhealthy that was.  She went on to marry a narcissist.  He was great on paper, super charming, and made her feel loved.   He sucked her in and then began abusing her mentally and physically.  She realized several years into her relationship with him that he had been hiding his alcoholism from her.  Everything clicked.  She then learned about her own codependent tendencies as taught to her by her narcissistic mother.  My client was always responsible for her mother’s happiness and feelings.  Her mother would often say “your problems are my problems or why are you doing this to me?” or when she would complain about her husband to her mother, her mother would talk about how much struggle her mother was having because of her daughter was getting abused.

My client would feel guilty for everything and often try to control her spouse by walking on eggshells in hopes she wouldn’t get abused.  She would give ultimatums about his drinking in hopes that he would stop.  None of this worked.

She would feel frustrated and miserable.

Once we started working together, she learned what codependence was and decided she no longer wanted to function that way with her mother or spouse.  She then began to create boundaries.  Meaning if x then y.  She would tell her spouse if you abuse me, I will leave the house.  She felt empowered.  She had a plan.  She relinquished any and all responsibility over his drinking.  He would abuse her in spurts.  Leaving felt overwhelming.  But…as she learned to love herself through coaching with me and making clean decisions, things became clearer and clearer when they had once been so confusing.

She began to truly love herself.  Something she had never done before.  She asked herself if I loved myself, would I keep putting myself in harm’s way?  The answer was no.  she created a boundary for herself.  NOT HIM.  She did let him in on it though. She told him if you abuse me one more time, I am pretty sure I’m going to get off this endless rollercoaster ride.  He physically abused her and she left.  She filed for divorce about a year later.

She later told me that without coaching it would have taken her years to get clarity and finally leave.  Once she moved out she felt that the air was lighter and she could get the clarity on the relationship that she needed.  She was too in it when she lived with him.  She’s never been happier.

Have a narcissist in your life? Here’s how to cope

Learning about narcissism

Having labels for what they do

When you feel you’re being lied to the point where you are questioning your own reality, ask yourself if you’re being gaslit

It’s empowering

I hear you

We can agree to disagree

I’m not going to engage in this argument

Have a plan: if a narcissist starts raging at you, decide you’ll walk out of the room. (create your own boundary; you don’t have to keep them in the loop about it.  It’s just for you).

Give yourself compassion; the narcissist may try to blame you for everything and you may find yourself wanting to fix him or her.  But it’s not your fault.

Focus on maintaining your peace and taking care of yourself.

Let go of your need for them to see things your way

Decide not to take what they say seriously or personally

Take time to yourself and get space when you need it

Love and accept yourself as you are

Remove yourself from tantrums

Know you can’t change anyone except yourself, including the narcissist in your life.

Connect with yourself.  Learn to love yourself and keep yourself safe above all else; this will naturally help guide you with the narcissist.

These tools I’ve discussed today will help unconfuse you, keep you from going back and forth and spinning and get you into clarity and eventually peace.

If you have problems similar to the client’s problems I just mentioned, get in touch with me to talk and come up with a plan to move through this mental exhaustion and get to a lighter, free, more confident place.

If you are a professional mom in survival mode and want to move through mental exhaustion, get out of a toxic relationship or job, and feel confident and in control of your life, get in touch with me for a free 30-minute consult to see what’s possible.  www.priancanaikmdcoaching.as.me and I’ll talk to you next week.