People-Pleasing Trap: Why Women Are Prone and How to Break Free for Work-Life Joy

You're listening to the empowering working moms Podcast, episode number 76. Well, hello there. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I am very excited to dive into a topic that really affects so many of us and can have such a profound impact on our work life balance and overall joy. And that is the topic of people pleasing.

So I'm going to give you powerful tips and solutions for you to deal with this towards the end of this episode. And if you really want to dive deeper into this work and be out of burnout and exhaustion to truly enjoy your life again, because you deserve to, book a call with me. PriancaNaikMDcoaching.as.me to get started.

So the holidays and family dynamics really had me thinking. It had me reflecting on the person that I am today versus who I was about maybe five years ago, or even 10 years ago. And just having done this work and thinking about how I operate today, as opposed to how I was functioning in the past with my family, it made me realize that I so desperately wanted to be approved of by my extended family members.

And honestly, I don't even see them that much. I see them pretty sparingly. So putting all this weight on what they thought of me and my life, so interesting, when it really doesn't come into play on a day to day basis. So hence the thought of people pleasing. I found myself really just behaving in alignment with my own life in integrity. I didn't feel like I needed to prove myself in the past, I would have talked a ton about how I meditate and how I do all this stuff and humble bragging about all that and I chose not to because I don't need to prove anything to anybody.

And really at the end of the day, the most important approval that we should have is with ourselves. Having our own approval. So people pleasing is really a common behavior that many of us engage in, especially if you struggle with saying no or setting boundaries, or constantly seeking approval from others. If that resonates with you, any of those behaviors, then you may be a people pleaser. So this episode is especially for you.

Let's start exploring why we become people pleasers in the first place. So the root of this behavior can really be traced to our childhood. And as toddlers, we learn that performing well, hitting those milestones will earn us praise. And as we progress through school, our grades sometimes depend on what our teachers think of us.

So this really sets the stage for seeking external validation. And then it continues into adulthood with maybe how your colleagues see you or how your boss sees you, and really wanting them to know how talented you are or what a hard worker you are.

So it's really critical that we recognize that this is happening and to realize that worrying about what other people think of us and trying to control their opinion of us and wanting them to like us when not everyone is going to like us, understanding that concept is so key in increasing our own sense of inner peace and also just joy because people pleasing is a time waste and it is a waste of energy. And it's tiring, and it's a joy thief.

So this pattern of seeking external validation is especially prevalent in work settings, as I mentioned. I want to touch upon why men don't seem to be as people pleasing as women are, not to generalize. But I believe that women tend to engage in people pleasing behaviors way more than men. And it's really due to a combination of societal and cultural norms and factors. And these are general trends. And not everyone's like this.

But this is why women might be more prone to people pleasing. Because from a young age, we are often socialized to be nurturing, accommodating, considerate, and that is put on us, especially helping in the kitchen or with cooking and cleaning. As well as cultural expectations and norms where women may be socialized to prioritize other people's happiness at the expense of her own needs.

Also fear of disapproval where women fear social rejection, or sometimes it's harder for us in the workplace to function. Like we can't get away with saying certain things that men could get away with. And sometimes I feel like people in medicine, staff will say certain things to me that they would never say to my male colleagues. And then if I have a response, I might be seen in a more negative light than one of my male cohorts would be seen just because I'm a woman.

Also just in terms of empathy and emotional awareness. Women often have higher levels of emotional awareness than men. And though it's valuable, it also leads us to be more inclined to please others in order to alleviate an uncomfortable situation. So the reality is that people pleasing gives away our power because when we seek approval outside of ourselves, we are handing over our happiness to external forces. Whether it is a boss or a colleague or friends or family. And this is basically futile.

It's useless to try and control others perceptions of us because we really can't control it. And people often just see us based on their own stories. And it's not so much about what we're doing. So often we people, please to avoid the discomfort of disapproval. But realizing that not everyone's going to like us, that's helpful in ditching people pleasing and really just aligning with our own stuff. So the majority of someone's opinion is really shaped by their own narrative and not a true reflection of another person. So once we can figure this out and make peace with this, then we can move forward.

Now I'm going to touch upon several tips and steps you can take to stop people pleasing, and really start living a more happy, fulfilling life.

One is acknowledgement. So just acknowledging and recognizing that you're a people pleaser, or realizing when you are people pleasing. Meaning doing things that you don't want to do in order to make people like you, or doing something that's even harmful for yourself in order to control someone else's opinion of you.

Number two, practice the power of no. Really playing around with and practicing saying no to stuff that you don't want to do that will free up your time. Practice pleasing yourself, and really celebrate everything that you've achieved and everything you're doing and be grateful for your own accomplishments and growth and take time to really think about that on a daily basis, all that you're doing and achieving and how amazing that is.

Tip number four is to set clear boundaries. So really learning boundaries, which is a line between you and other people to create personal safety for yourself. And understanding that setting boundaries really helps in self preservation, and it is not selfish.

Step number five is to practice self compassion, and really treat yourself as you would treat others. So this is a little bit of a golden rule reversal. But really learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you offer other people, that you offer to your own kids, even, and acknowledging that you do make mistakes, giving yourself compassion for that. And that's okay. And really, this is such a great balance and counterbalance to self criticism. And the factors that often drive us to people please.

Number six is to really surround yourself with your own tribe and supportive people. So people who really see the world the way you do, and they appreciate you for exactly who you are, and they unconditionally love you. And there's a mutual respect. And this is so helpful. Because when you feel like you belong, you don't have to drive yourself crazy people pleasing. And number seven is to recognize that you really can't please everyone and set realistic expectations. And that's totally okay, right.

Really challenge the idea that your self worth is contingent upon external validation or meeting other people's expectations. And really embrace the idea that you are valuable, you are lovable, regardless of what you do and your achievements. So incorporating these tips into your life, you're going to be so much better equipped to navigate situations to prioritize your own well being and ditch people pleasing once and for all. So the journey to doing that, to ditching people pleasing is really an ongoing practice.

And you just have to start small, where you say, let's say, no to something that you really don't want to do, that's going to suck a bunch of your time and start there. And if you're not used to saying no, this can be really, really tough. So I would say even for the next week, say no to five different things.

And I may have mentioned this on the last episode, but my mother hosted Thanksgiving for my entire dad's side. And it was basically I think it was 25 people, including the children at my mom's house. And it was totally crazy. And she took this on without really asking any of us meaning my father or my sister, should I do this, she just kind of volunteered it.

And then from the get go, I actually told her, hey, I really don't want to be involved in organizing and helping, like I have my own stuff that I'm constantly doing in my own life. And I would like to relax when I come home. And that was my way of protecting myself so that I didn't leave Thanksgiving feeling totally drained and depleted. But I can actually leave that vacation of a few days, leave it feeling restored and rejuvenated.

And I'm happy to say that that is the case, but it's because I had the guts to say that. Now you may think that's not very nice or it's not helpful, but I did end up helping and I did facilitate activities during Thanksgiving with my family. But my point is I did it on my own terms and I was helpful, but at least I did not feel drained and depleted having to do a million tasks.

So that's just one example of not people pleasing. And just to show you how far I've come, because the old me would have been trying to help with everything and doing everything, especially to show everyone how helpful I am. And I no longer engage in behaviors that are purely for other people's good opinion of me, I have to do things in integrity and alignment with myself, and I'm very particular about how I spend my time. So there you have it, that's one example.

But that's a big no to do. But if you have some smaller stuff you can start saying no to, just start there. Five things for the next week, see how it goes, you're going to see that it's going to have a positive impact on you and therefore a positive ripple effect on everyone around you. And this will totally transform your life and you will learn to not people please nearly as much. You're going to find yourself seeking your own approval and being so much happier.

So thank you so much for listening to this journey today. So important, this work, and I'm grateful that you're here listening. If you want to dive deeper into this work and truly ditch burnout and exhaustion once and for all, stop dreading the day when you're waking up thinking about all the work you have to do, all the meetings you have to attend, all the patients you have to see.

And then you do all this work and then you come home and you have more work to do getting dinner on the table, maybe helping your kids with their homework or arranging activities. And it's exhausting and then you're left without joy, without fun and that is no way to live.

So to break that cycle, stop the people pleasing trap, get out of the cycle of the daily dread and book a call me PriancaNaikMDcoaching.as.me to see if we're a good fit to work together. Thank you so much for tuning in and I will talk to you next week.