Overwhelmed mom: Turning Self-Hate Into Love

My entire life has been a home improvement project.  I’ve always scrutinized myself, examining the cracks and crevices, to see what I can “fix.”  Cutting myself a break has no place in this equation-not a part of the project at all.  And as you may be able to guess, this isn’t exactly the formula for a super satisfied life.  In fact, it only leads to unrelenting dissatisfaction, for we can always find something wrong that needs improvement.  A friend once asked me, “what if you’re okay just as you are?” I was jaw-dropping flabbergasted.  Constant inventory-taking of mistakes and loathing parts of myself-this way of life is the perfect substrate for self-bashing and flagellation.

The thought of my own anxiety used to make me sick.  Imagining my body tightening up and feeling discomfort in my chest made me feel pathetic.  Self-compassion showed me just how wrong being cruel to myself is; crueler than I would ever be to anyone else.  Despising myself for a natural bodily reaction to perceived threats.  Why is an anxious reaction so terrible?  Is it possible to accept and hold the parts of ourselves of which we are most ashamed?

 Yes.  With tireless effort and work, self-acceptance is a possible destination.  The million dollar question is: how do we get there?  First, by learning what being kind to oneself means.  Self-compassion is good will towards yourself and treating yourself as a dear friend.  Being kind to yourself helps build trust between you and yourself.  The nurturing of this relationship, the most important one in your life, allows you to rely on yourself and come home to yourself.  Imagine that.  Feeling as though you do not need other people (although they are so wonderful to have as additional support).  Knowing that YOU can find what YOU need from within.  

There is so much we do not control in this world.  And yet there is so much power within us to control our own destiny, happiness, and fulfillment.  Take a second to absorb that.  The power is there.  It lies within you.  You just have to be kind enough to yourself to allow it to emerge from captivity. 

Tips for compassion towards yourself: 

1.     Practice mindfulness to balance emotion and create distance between you and your thoughts/feelings.

2.     Perform body scans when you feel your mind spinning.

3.     Accept your “mistakes.” 

Are they really mistakes? 

Or was that mistake supposed to happen?

Can you show yourself empathy for what you did? 

Can you learn and grow from it?

4.     Force your inner critic to shut the f#ck up.

5.     Stop calling yourself names.

No more “you’re such an idiot” or “duh, you should have known better.”

At all.  I mean it!

6.     Let go of what other people think.

This is a cursory guide to at least initiate the journey to self-love and acceptance.  It is a long, hard road, but you owe it to yourself to try.  Only through learning to treat ourselves with the gentleness with which we treat our children, friends, and strangers can we chip away at attaining inner stability and contentment.  Go out there and get ‘em.  Be your own best friend!