Coping With Life’s Challenges By Being Human

So a little bit about what we do inside my program. A client of mine was actually recently telling me that she got exactly what she wanted in terms of her work schedule and her role, because before working with me, she did not even think that was possible.

She's a physician, she was able to cut back on hospital medicine and actually get more part time work through finding her voice and advocating for herself. And it's just incredible how something that felt like a pipe dream is now a reality and now she's got better work life balance and really feels like she can breathe again.

And I love hearing stories like hers because they really are a testament to the work that we do inside my life coaching program, overcome burnout for good. Because this work, it works. And so if you want to take your life back, get more time be done with mom guilt so that you're totally present for what matters at home, definitely check out my free masterclass on four steps to overcoming burnout and exhaustion once and for all. The link will be in the show notes.

Now today I'm going to talk about something extremely personal and vulnerable in my journey because I know that this is going to be so beneficial for you. So here we go. A major way to cultivate inner peace is really through giving ourselves grace and compassion for being human because that's what we are. We're human beings and human beings, by nature are fallible, To err is to be human. That's a pretty famous quote.

And I really want to dive into this today. Because being human was not a thing when I was growing up. It's actually not a thing, being human, in my line of work as a doctor either. And so I'll elaborate. I'm going to talk about my personal life in the context of the culture in which I grew up, which is South Asian culture. But I'm also very sure that a lot of what I'm going to talk about here today is applicable to other cultures and other upbringings.

So in my culture, external success and perfection are expected. Now obviously perfection doesn't really go with being human. So there's conflict right there. Achievements are extremely important and emphasized along with what aunties and uncles, so basically aunties and uncles are your parents, friends, you call everyone auntie and uncle out of respect.

So aunties and uncles are asking questions of your parents about what you're doing in life, what college you're going to, and all the external stuff, because everyone's comparing, and everyone's competing, and that is so inherent in the culture. Now, personal satisfaction, or effort or the journey or mental well being are not really acknowledged, they're not a thing. And I almost think of it as being expected to be a robot, which obviously, being a robot is also in conflict with being human.

So when you start to understand these expectations, and external things, the emphasis of importance on them, you can start to see how they don't really belong in being human. Like they're just so the opposite, that you can see how there might be some inner conflict or inner dissonance when this is what you're used to.

So going to an Ivy League school, for example, that's expected. And if that expectation isn't met, you're an automatic failure. And I hate to say that I did feel that way going to Wash U in St. Louis, though it was ranked pretty high when I entered starting college. Furthermore, there are only a few professions that are acceptable to choose as your career, doctor,  lawyer, get your MBA or graduate degree, marry someone similar, and life will be good. Also going to college is a basic and that's nothing to be proud of. You can be proud once you've met the above expectations and gotten married and had kids. Wrong.

This is very formulaic, and so in the messiness that is life, this in reality does not play out well. The humanity is nowhere in this. Very robotic. So in Indian culture, I'm gonna give you another example. This is fairly common, where are the other points, you'll receive that feedback when you get let's say, a 97%, or 98% on an exam, never good job because you're supposed to be perfect. And this is a very common story. I experienced this myself and I also have heard this from other Indian kids who grew up in this country.

So I'm sure many can relate to this journey, that the effort doesn't matter. It's the finished product you have to produce and that's what some important. So when you're raised that way, imagine what happens when you're not producing, how you feel on the inside. Also, emotions weren't really a thing or acknowledged growing up. And people just kind of move on from whatever it might be, especially a negative emotion.

On top of that, in terms of my career, in the field of medicine, as a doctor, you are not allowed to be human, you're not allowed to make a mistake at all, and you have to be perfect. And if you do make a mistake, you can get sued. And it's a pretty big stressor, headache, and hassle. So this is ridiculous.

And I bring these examples up to show that a lot of this is just not congruent with being human. So for me being human was not a thing, and neither has been giving myself grace. So this is something I've really had to learn and to teach myself, and I'm always working at it. And I, of course, teach my clients to do this, too.

Now, the stories run so deep regarding my success, or my perfectionism, that I really, really struggle when things are not perfect. And this actually goes from really small things like cookie crumbs on the counter to larger things like maybe not making as much money as I could be making at work.

So I do a lot of work on noticing and letting go. And then I teach my clients to do this too, because that is really where we can start embracing being human and letting go of imperfections. And what's funny is, I'm really able to give my kids all kinds of grace for being human, being as they, are loving them unconditionally, applauding them for their efforts, telling them that they're learning and growing from everything, mistakes are no big deal because we are human. And it's totally okay to be imperfect.

So I can do that super easily. And then I try to take that compassion and put it towards myself. So I really want you to take a moment to think about how you see your children, and how gentle you probably are with them. And if you're not gentle, I guess why?

But if you are having a more gentle attitude towards your kids than you have yourself, see if you can transpose some of that attitude towards yourself. Because that is how we start to chip away at our perfectionistic tendencies, our type A tendencies, because those tendencies are really detrimental to our well being. So see if you can take some of that compassion and flip it on to yourself.

So a little bit more about my culture and how I grew up. It really emphasizes the exterior, the external stuff, your weight, for example. This is constantly commented on when I was growing up, you've lost weight, are you dieting, you've put on wait, you look healthy, what happened to your face, I mean, I have a pimple. That's what happened to my face.

Like these questions were a reality growing up, like so much emphasis on what you look like, and the outside. I mean, I look back on this. And I think that's completely crazy. Like I remember dreading seeing certain family members after a long period of time and being nervous that they were going to comment on my weight. But this is the reality, external stuff being valued.

If that happened to you think about how that affects you today. And that effect is so much more profound than we give it credit for, really. I would even take time to pause this podcast episode, and really brainstorm a few things that were external and how emphasized they might have been in your childhood. And once you think about that really take time to think about how that's affecting you today.

So on top of looks, and the external, the other really emphasize thing is your CV or your resume. And that's just important for how you're valued as a person, or even when you're dating. There's something called bio data, which is a really Indian thing where people put on Indian dating websites, their bio, meaning all their achievements.

And that is how, you know, matches are made. How big your house might be, the college that you went to, being a doctor, being a certain kind of profession, having money, being married, staying married, all expectations, and if you aren't perfect in these areas, you're going to feel insufficient. You're gonna feel not good enough, and that feels pretty shitty. And that can be so dark.

And that's why I'm talking about it today. Because I feel like these are the things that nobody talks about. And we have to talk about them. We have to bring them to the surface so that we can start acknowledging them, seeing how they're affecting us, and take action accordingly. So as I get older, I'm starting to realize that the exterior, the external, it really doesn't matter.

What matters is what's going on inside our minds, inside our hearts inside our souls inside the house. What's going on inside your house, that's what really matters, not what other people are seeing or they think it's what you are experiencing moment to moment, day to day, that's what matters because it's your precious life, and you deserve to be peaceful and happy.

So I've made two major changes in my life that are against the grain, they're outside the box, they're definitely not in line with any of the stuff that I mentioned.

One is pursuing my life coaching business. Now, that's not in line at all with what an acceptable South Asian career is. And a divorce, which is also not accepted and super taboo. In fact, it took me about a year after filing for divorce, to even be able to talk about it without feeling tremendous shame. And it's nothing that anyone said to me, it's just the way I was raised, that divorce is not a thing. But I had to do what was right for me and my family.

And the crazy part about this, about the coaching and separating from my spouse, though they were so the opposite of how I was raised, doing these things created so much freedom, peace, and happiness for me. And that kind of a home that I'm creating for my kids too that's so healthy for them. And I know this because I get feedback about my older child, that he's always smiling at school, and he's truly one of the happiest kids.

So my point to you is following the formula, having the good CV, having the success, having this picture perfect life on the outside, that may not and likely is not going to bring you happiness and peace. What will bring you happiness and peace is giving yourself grace to be human, and make the decisions that line up for you. Not what your aunties and uncles think, not what other people think, not what's on social media, not the pictures that you're posting, but really what's going on, on the inside.

So for me, I can conceptualize that my choices are wonderful and healthy for me and my kids in terms of my career and the divorce. But then there is a dissonance inside of me too where I'm living a life way differently from how I was raised. And that's why I'm talking about this today. Because this is really internal stuff that people don't talk about. And I want you to know that whatever struggle you're dealing with, you are not alone.

So of course, this dissonance inside of me, for the decisions that may not be in line with how I was brought up, that is hard, and it's painful, but it's also where being human comes in. And that's why this episode really is about being human and allowing ourselves to be human, allowing ourselves to be imperfect, allowing ourselves to make mistakes, because, and this is where this Brene Brown quote comes in and I think it's so important to think about. What we don't need in the midst of a struggle is shame for being human. So we’ve got to give ourselves grace, I give myself grace, and I adjust to a life that I didn't think would happen.

Medicine as a profession, for me has been disappointing. I never expected to, have a coaching business for example, I never expected to have a divorce. But here I am, and I am enjoying my life every day, I do feel tremendously fulfilled. And I'm happy. Even though I have veered so far off the course that was set for me at a really young age. So I get to create the life I want inside of myself and externally, regardless of how I was raised, regardless of what other people think. And so do you.

Because this episode really isn't about me, though I'm talking about myself. It's about you. It's about how you relate to what I'm saying. It's about how hopefully what I'm saying today, my story, my vulnerability, my truth can help you feel like you're okay in being human. And you get to make mistakes, and you get to have your journey, and you get to create whatever you want, regardless of how you were raised, regardless of what other people think.

We get to be human. Success and life. They're not linear, there are natural ups and downs. And this is a part of our journey. And this is a part of being human. And it is a journey. It's not a robotic path that we follow. We get to have imperfections. Mistakes, or decisions that we make that are less than ideal, allowing that, not seeing them as a huge problem, but accepting them as a part of our learning and a part of our human journey.

And the sooner we can do this and accept this, the sooner we can try to not be superhuman, and not expect that from ourselves. And therefore when we do that, we can have inner peace, inner calm, say goodbye to inner restlessness. So I'm telling this very personal tale here today because I wanted to give you the strength and the permission to do what aligns for you, regardless of how you were raised, regardless of what other people think.

Your parents are not the end all be all for what's right. They're human and have made their mistakes also, and in South Asian culture, parents are really revered and their word is the end all be all, or God's Word, or you know, whatever, it's in that light.

So of course, it can be very hard to see outside of that and see them as human. So just really give some thought to that as well. Whatever your desire might be, especially if it's outside of the box, you conform to, I want you to think about it. Aligning your life with what is right and peaceful for you is a key component of peace and happiness.

So now we're gonna do an exercise. Think of one thing in your life you'd like to do, but you're afraid of what other people would think. Now think about how little people actually perseverate on what's going on with you. Because they're way too caught up in their own stuff. And keeping that in mind. Use that as fuel to brainstorm how you can actually do the scary, outside of the box, outside of the perfect path thing, and find some peace and joy.

And when you're all freaked out about doing something that's not your cultural norm, do the following things. One: know you aren't perfect. Inherently. Two: mistakes and imperfections are going to happen all the time. So remember that.

Three: work on accepting that and letting shit go. Four: start to see life as a process and journey, not a formulaic robotic thing. Five: acknowledge and know that there are ups and downs, neither of which will last forever. So when stuff gets tough, remember, this too shall pass.

Six: Take a breath, slow down, and just be. Be with wherever you are, literally by breathing, focus on your breath, and count your breaths to 10 and then start again. So count the inhale, you count one, exhale, two up to 10 and repeat.

So try these things that I've talked about today. And I know you will see your life start to shift to more inner peace, more calm, because that's all we want. We want to feel peace. We want to feel happiness. We don't want to deal with overwhelm, exhaustion, and burnout.

And really taking some time to think about these things and shift how we think and do things, that is the currency for the good life, the life that we've expected to have. Your well being, it's not a luxury, it's a necessity. So take a step towards a brighter, healthier future and apply to work with me. My program offers personalized guidance, community, and life changing tools. Book a call PriancaNaikMDcoaching.as.me. You'll get clarity on your roadblocks and walk away with your burnout free roadmap. Thank you so much for tuning in this week, and I will talk to you next week.